How do you know if someone is a safe co-regulator?
Have you ever heard people talk about the importance of socializing in regard to children, dogs, etc., so that they can create healthy relationships?
It’s really fascinating because it’s a construct that is based on a truism but slightly off course.
As mammalian species, connection to others is paramount to our health. Our brains and nervous systems have evolved to best survive in a relationship with each other. Innately, we know how to socialise with each other. We don't need to learn how to.
The thing that makes social connections difficult is when we don't feel safe. And by safety, I don't mean just thoughts of safety; I'm referring to our physiology not feeling safe – our body and unconscious mind constantly looking for cues of threat instead of safety.
How does this happen?
When we've had experiences of feeling unsafe in connection with others, and this is not properly healed, our nervous system can retune itself to search for cues of threat in our relationships rather than searching for cues of safety.
Have you ever had the experience of taking someone else's behavior personally and becoming really triggered by it, even though it was about them, not you?
For example, when a loved one has had a bad day, and you end up getting triggered by their subsequent mood, spiraling into your own anger?
This is because your nervous system has read cues of threat from your loved one and starts to respond in a defensive way to keep you safe. Unfortunately, if we have lots of experiences like this, our nervous system can retune and constantly search for threats in social connections rather than safety. This leads to social anxiety, constant irritation, and a myriad of psychological and physiological issues.
One of the best things you can do for yourself when you experience this is to plan and seek out social connections that provide safe co-regulation experiences. These can help tune you back into safety rather than threat.
Opportunities for safe co-regulation can be remarkably helpful. Our physiology can't be tricked into feeling safe just from hopeful thoughts; it needs to experience safety in action.
How do you know if someone is a safe co-regulator?
You’ll feel it.
This photo is of my two dogs - Bob (big) and Rosie (little). They are best friends, despite being such different dogs - one is a working dog, and the other a self-professed lap dog (😂).
In each other's company, they feel safe and adore each other. When I need to go away and leave them with someone else, as long as they have each other, they are okay. Without each other, they can experience anxiety when their family is not around. They co-regulate into safety with each other.
Your physiology knows safety innately. It's a feeling - of inner stillness, the ability to be quiet within each other's company, like a big exhale.
Trust it. Start to listen to how your body feels around different people. Really listen. Be careful not to trick yourself (or talk yourself into feeling safe) because you want to feel safe around someone.
Just listen. You don’t need to take any action.
