What do you do when you are blocked by your very essence?

So last week I wrote to you about safety in co-regulation; how it is a biological imperative; and what happens when our nervous systems are retuned to search for threats in our environment.

I also promised that this week I would write to you with ideas of what to do when you experience a lack of safety when you are with someone who is important to you.

When I say safety, I mean emotional safety, I mean the ability to fall into your own vulnerability and know that you will be held by another’s love, care, and desire to see you experience the best life has to offer.

So the opposite of that is when your vulnerability is not valued, loved, and/or respected.

Unfortunately, this is more common than uncommon.

And it’s not because we live in a world of horrible people; rather, we live in a world full of traumatised people.

When you experience that kind of reality with a loved one I am willing to bet a lot of money on the fact that they experienced being treated like that when they were a child. So because their vulnerabilities were not met with love and acceptance when they were a child they experienced overwhelming pain connected to their own vulnerabilities (because they were ignored or shamed) and so as an adult, they end up feeling super uncomfortable with anyone else’s vulnerability because it triggers them back into the feelings they experienced in conjunction to their own vulnerabilities.

Alternatively, some people can react in the opposite way: they can try to save anyone from feeling vulnerable, once again because they are so uncomfortable with the feeling of vulnerability.

Either way, it’s dysfunctional. It’s not bad, it’s not evil, it’s not narcissistic, it’s just dysfunction that has arisen from past trauma.

Why is it dysfunctional?

Because being vulnerable is one of the most exquisite, soul-baring experiences of growth we can have as human beings. It connects us within ourselves in ways that are brutally divine. It strips us of ego and reminds us that our own brokenness is our path to healing.

Co-regulatory experiences that prevent this from happening block us from our own divinity.

So what do you do when you are being blocked from being your very essence?

You learn to regulate your own nervous system for safety, which ultimately has a domino effect on everyone around you.

First of all, as soon as you feel that twinge of something not being right, LISTEN. I can’t emphasize this enough. We often push away our own intuition for many reasons, one of them being that we don’t want to believe that someone else doesn’t have our best interests at heart. Remember, 99% of the time, it’s not personal. It’s their own trauma imprint being triggered and they are trying to control that by controlling you. Tricky…but true. So have compassion and feel your own truth.

Then take effective action - this means to move into a space where you can breathe, feel, think, and experience yourself without another’s influence - so take a walk, go to the beach, go to the bush, do something that grounds you.

When you feel ready, take a seat somewhere comfortable and notice the inner pathway between your heart and your gut (this is a felt-sense thing, not a scientific pathway). Each time you breathe in, feel your breath run down this pathway and each time you breathe out, feel the breath run up the pathway.

Place one hand on your heart and one on your tummy and say to yourself ‘I am safe to be me, wholeheartedly’.

Wait for any emotions to surface and release. Take your time here. This is really important.

When you feel you are ready to move, stand up and walk deliberately, slowly, and mindfully.

After practising this process a few times you will find that you are able to practise heart-gut-heart breathing within stressful moments, without having to remove yourself from them. This is when you can start to regulate yourself within difficult moments of co-regulation and when you do that you have a stabilising effect on the nervous systems around you.

Yep! It’s true. You actually make others feel safer around you. What an incredible gift to offer the world. And, what a remarkable impact this can have on your relationships. And the effects don’t stop there. Each person who is affected by feeling safe around you then carries that feeling into another part of their lives. You can literally start to change the world by regulating yourself.

So my braveheart - go forth and regulate and change the world ❤️