The science of connection

Holding space for people is an art form that is derived from science.

You see, when we are with other people, our nervous systems are continuously connecting with each other through a process called neuroception.

Neuroception operates faster than our conscious thought and serves to keep us safe. So in every single human interaction you have, your neuroception is assessing whether that person is safe for you to be around. 

Ever felt completely at ease with someone and you couldn’t say why? That’s neuroception. Every felt weird around someone and you couldn’t put your finger on it? That to is neuroception. 

So what does this have to do with holding space for another?

Well, We may have the best intentions of being there for our another person - say a friend, a lover, our children, but if our nervous system has imprints of intimacy trauma then our neuroception will be yin the look out for any action, behaviour, tone, smell etc that reminds it of previous intimacy trauma and and then send signals to your body that you are not safe. 

When this happens, not only can you not openly hold space for that loved one but you might find yourself picking fights with them, pushing them away, being triggered by benign habits, feeling unexpectedly irritated or sad…and the list goes on.

The most crucial step in beginning to heal underlying trauma imprints is to recognise what is going on and then hold space for yourself.

I cannot emphasise this enough. 

In our culture we’ve been largely taught to put others first. But your ability to truly be there for another rests on your ability to be there for yourself. In Somatic Therapy, I guide my clients to go within and not only process past traumas but also to reconnect with the parts of themselves they shut down in order to try to push their unprocessed pain away. This creates freedom and deep self love. The root of all happiness is self love. 

When you have self love and you can be there for yourself, then you can begin to create beautiful connections with others. 

This is the art form of love ❤️